


We’ve Got Obsessions

by stonegoldbitch



Series: songfics [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Bad Writing, Evan Is Uncomfortable, Evan has OCD here, Evan has voices in his head, Fluff, M/M, OCD spike tw?, Songfic, can be read both ways though, fuck off evan’s head, not very shippy, they’re both probs ooc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2018-01-18
Packaged: 2019-03-06 15:01:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13413747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stonegoldbitch/pseuds/stonegoldbitch
Summary: the crackers were probably bad luck anyways.





	1. supermarket

**Author's Note:**

> Evan with OCD as to marina and the diamonds’ song ‘Obsessions’.   
> the plain italics are his thoughts which are neutral, the italics in quotes is his evil voice and the normal font is him talking to himself. bolded italics are lyrics.

_**supermarket, oh, what packet of crackers to pick? they’re all the same, one brand, one name- but really they’re not** _

Here he was, standing in aisle 5 hyperventilating about crackers. _Who does that? You must be so proud that you can’t function like a human being._

_**Look, look, just choose something quick** _   
_**People are staring, time to go quick** _

_**Skin is on fire just choose something, something, something** _

_**Pressure overwhelming.** _

And now he was standing in some old lady’s way. “I-I-I- I’msorryI’llmovesorrysorrysorry,” he blurted out. Everyone was staring, everyone was judging, everyone was laughing at him internally. _“There’s that loser who can’t buy groceries.”_

**_Next minute I am turning out of the door  
Facing one week without food_ **

Dropping his empty blue basket in the stack, he bolted out of the store. On his walk home, he could just see his mom being frustrated with him for not buying the groceries.   
“C’mon bud, there’s a self checkout and everything, why is my son such a failure?”  
He was glad she had a late shift today. As he neared the house, he remembered if he didn’t have food to make he’d have to order online and make small talk to the delivery person. He could last a week without food.

_**A day, a day, when things, things are pretty bad. But don’t let it make you feel sad.** _

He debated taking another Ativan, or maybe a Xanax. _No I’ll get over it. Deep breaths, deep breaths. Think positive thoughts. Go climb a tree. Wait, maybe not that. Definitely not that. Please think positive._

_**The crackers were probably bad luck anyway.** _

_There. Imagine if you got those fucking crackers. Imagine they were toxic, all of them and that they should’ve been recalled._

_‘What the fuck Evan, that’s morbid.’_

“Shut up, Evan,” he muttered under his breath.

_‘Now you’re fucking talking to yourself again.’_

“Leave me alone.”

_‘Why?’_

_**We’ve got obsessions. I want to erase every nasty thought that bugs me every day of every week.** _

“Why are you so obsessed with me?”

_‘Why’d you just quote Mean Girls?’_

“I, I”

_‘You’re losing to yourself in a conversation? What else? You’re still not fucking responding. Oh my fucking god Evan. While I’m here, let’s say some more things. You should’ve climbed higher, first of all. And why would you ever think anyone would come for you. No one cares. Your mom would be so happy if you OD’d. Jared isn’t even your friend. He’s ashamed of you. You can’t even talk to either of the Murphys. I mean seriously, just because Zoe has Alana doesn’t mean you shoot for her suicidal brother. You’re still here. I can’t believe you haven’t shut me up. I can’t believe it, you’re actually the personification of everything terrible on this planet. Need I go on? Yes you do. List two on, well everything. Number 1 you-.”_

“You’re not even real.”

_‘I’d like to think that I’m you, but better.’_

“If I stop thinking you’ll go away.”

Stop thinking now. And there was silence. The vibration of his phone sent him back to the real world and his phone lit up with a text from Jared.

“hey dude did you do the APUSH”

He picked up his phone hesitantly and slowly punched in letter by letter.

“no, but i’ll show you it before school.”

“ok thx ev”

Jared wasn’t really using him was he? Evan hoped not but he could not obsess over Jared right now. _‘That’s right.’_

“Ok, I’m not dealing with you, time for a nap.”

_Wait. No couldn’t do that his brain would keep him up all night. What time was it anyway? 3:30._  
What am I gonna do on a Sunday afternoon?   
_‘Go on a walk.’_

“Hey, that wasn’t a shitty idea, unless you’ve got a hit man out there waiting for m- wait I wouldn’t be able to afford that- I’m going.”

And off he went.


	2. orchard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> evan is *jeremy heere voice* uncomfortable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> poorly written, and weird time skip between the chapters

  
He arrived at the old apple orchard and made his way to the fence. He noticed the gate was already open, like someone had attempted to close it and failed. He stepped through and noticed footprints. Whoever this was had very dirty boots, as the footprints suggested. _Would it be stalking if I followed them? I mean everyone thinks I obsess over Zoe already, what more do I have to lose?_

He followed the footprints through a small clearing to a yellow field in the distance, framed with the rotting trees. Hesitantly, he marched towards the field until he saw a familiar mop of head.  
_Shit. It’s Connor Murphy._  
He was sitting under a tree that had the perfect view of the with a sketchbook perched on his lap and his right hand a pencil moving about the page. His hair was in a loose bun and his left hand, with chipped black nails, was twirling the hair that fell out of the bun.

 _Connor. Murphy._  
‘The one you have a crush on.’  
No, just because he makes you question your sexuality, that’s not a crush.  
‘Mmkay, sure.’

A new voice popped up and there was no way this was Evan’s.

“Hey, I mean this in the nicest way possible, but what the fuck are you doing here?” Connor asked warily, glaring at him.

Evan realized he’d been spotted and almost scampered away, but figured that was basically a ‘Hey I’m stalking you move’ and just said the first things that could form a coherent sentence in his mind.

“Um, I go here sometimes, to-to clear my mind, y’know, and to get away from people, that sounds weird sorry- um, I’ll leave, bye?”

“No! No, that’s not weird I get that. I come here to get away from the fuck ups I call my family. Not like they want me there.”

This was awkward.  
“This is awkward.”

“It is,” Connor agreed. “Hey at least we’re pretend friends, let’s have a pretend conversation.” He patted the ground next to him and Evan pointed to himself as if to say “Me?”

“Yeah, you, unless this squirrel decides to start conversing with me. When’s your cast coming off?”

“I don’t know, sorry.”

“Sorry for?”

“Um, apologizing?”

“Yeah don’t do that.”

“Sor- ok.”

“Good.”

“So Conn-,” Evan started.

“No,” Connor interrupted. “No don’t get scared it’s just. Don’t start a sentence with so unless it’s a follow up. Yeah grammar’s dumb as shit but it’s important.”

“So C,” Connor raised an eyebrow at him, ”I mean, a- I don’t even know anymore.”

Connor smirked, “Now you’re getting it.”

“W-what are you drawing?”

“Nothing,” Connor replied while forcefully shoving his sketchbook into his beat up messenger bag. “Look I’ve got places to be and you don’t want to associate with me. I’m sure of that.” He stood up while keeping his eyes on Evan. “Well?”

**_We’ve got obsessions. You never told me what it was that made you strong and what it was that made you weak._ **

“How?”, Evan paused, “How do you just act like you’re strong? How are you not scared of anything? Are you scared of anything? Do you have anything stopping you from-from well, um,” he trailed off. “I don’t hate you, you told me to leave, sorry, I’m gonna gobye.”

He was ready to run away but Connor grabbed his good arm.  
“Whoa, calm down, wait that sounds shitty, do you have your meds? I might have some Xanax on me. Wait, not for you, no. Deep breaths?”

While Connor was trying  
_‘and failing’_  
“Oh my god, at least he’s trying be nice.”  
_‘kay, dude.’_  
to stop Evan from an attack, Evan was breathing heavily and trying as hard as he could not to panic in front of Connor, _what if he told everyone?_

“Dude, I’m not gonna tell anyone, do I come off like that much of an asshole?” Connor reassured.

_‘Thinking out loud, wow.’_

“Please stop.”

_‘You’re having an anxiety attack in front of your crush, if Jared was here he’d laugh.’_

“No!” he exclaimed.

“No?”

“Not you, sorry. I talk out loud sometimes. It’s weird but my OCD does that. I really need to go so I don’t um,” Evan stammered out.

“Wait, take this,” Connor shoved a slip of paper with numbers on it. “People like us need to, stick together. Don’t do anything stupid I guess.”

Evan nodded with excitement, ”O-o-ok. Cool.”

Connor smiled back and slowly walked away.  
“You coming?”

“Oh, um yeah, ok.” Evan stumbled forward and started walking alongside him.

_Grab his hand. No don’t do that._

“Do you only have OCD or is there more?” Connor asked. “Unless you don’t feel comfortable talking about that shit. Then don’t answer that.”

“No, no it’s ok, I have OCD and anxiety and depression so yeah,” Evan rambled on. “So I wouldn’t get manias but I get OCD spikes and anxiety attacks, and I’d like to say they’ve improved but I just had an anxiety attack here and a spike at home and almost cried at the supermarket. I don’t know why I’m telling you this that’s a bit much I’m gonna shut up.”

Connor’s eyes darted away, as if he was staring at his crush and he caught him, “That sucks. Do you have meds?”

“Yeah, I take Xanax for my anxiety and Ativan for my OCD. I take some antidepressants that I can’t remember the name of but I think they mess with my other meds,” Evan breathed out.

“You’re lucky. My dad won’t let me take meds, my mom won’t stand up to him. He also cut me off, so I can’t smoke anymore.”

“My dad left when I was seven,” Evan said in a small voice. “I shouldn’t have said that, I should just never talk.”

“That’d suck, you have a nice voice,” Connor said smoothly.

_‘He likes you too?’_

“Shut up, Evan.”

“Does that always happen?” Connor asked, surprising Evan. “I mean, do you always get in arguments with yourself?”

“It’s even worse during spikes, I just start spewing out words I know will hurt because I know what hurts the most,” Evan revealed.

“That must fucking suck. At least when I’m low it’s really just me. Like damn, Connor of course your sister catches you trying to OD,” Evan made a face of horror. “I’m bipolar by the way. Yeah getting your stomach pumped fucking sucks ass.”

Evan had debated overdosing but decided the risks were too high of him just vomiting onto himself. Although the risk of breaking your fucking arm instead of dying was there too.

“I let go,” he announced.

“What?” Connor asked with a confused look on his stupid pretty face.

“I didn’t fall, I let go, I thought it was high enough,” he trailed off. The implication was understood.

“You really are just as fucked up as me aren’t you?” Connor remarked. “This is why we’re friends, wow.”

“Friends?” Evan asked hopefully.

“You don’t just spill your guts to a stranger do you?”

“I guess not.”

“C’mon, let’s get ice cream or something,” Connor said with a subtle smile.

“Me,” and Evan knew it was him this time.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bad writing and an unsatisfying ending with k is going great.


End file.
